This current flood is indeed of biblical proportions. At times like this Brissos parochialism is submerged along with the houses and footy fields, with appreciation of the widespread nature of the disaster…knowledge that many other Queensland cities, towns and regions have been inundated with flood waters and that many have fewer resources and support systems to cope with such devastation. There’s also awareness that floods know no boundaries – affecting towns and regions south of the border.
At least two thirds of the previously drought ridden state of Queensland is underwater. Given that Queensland’s land mass is approx 1 730 648 sq kilometers (about 7 times the size of the UK, and over 3 times the size of France) this means that the area under flood, about 1,142,000 square kilometers, is twice the area of France and between 4 and 5 times the size of the UK.

Brissos like these comparisons which dwarf European countries as they’ve suffered the indignity of being forced (at school) to study the literature, language and culture of these countries ahead of the literature, language and culture of Australia, let alone Brisbane (which is indeed a vast field of study in itself).

Like most people, Brissos understand water flows and the principles of gravity. As such Brissos watched in disbelief at images of flash floods in Toowoomba a couple of days ago, that city that is elevated way above sea level, perched on that high ridge of the Great Dividing Range overlooking Brisbane and its surrounds. Even the most laconic and phlegmatic of Brissos must be unnerved by the prospect of the “wall of water” heading towards their city – coming from the west, from other flooded areas and from the Dams that are going through ‘controlled release’.

foreign words on the menu can be confusing

Ten years ago they may have avoided certain items such as the ‘confit de canard’ rather than risk embarassment asking the waiter or waitress to ‘please explain’, but these days Brisbane folk will be keen to order wagyu beef or penne amatriciana, and if they strike a menu full of novelty items they are happy to have the waiter/waitress go through it with them.

enoteca in Brisbane

After all, this performance by the bona fide ethnic waitress with the charming accent is an important part of the experience. A truly upmarket restaurant will have unfamiliar or foreign words in a ratio of at least 1:2 items on the menu. So Brissos will happily embrace cacio, queso, morcilla, lomo and cochinillo but when recounting their dining experience to friends, they will translate the item back into brisso slang rather than sound pretentious: “Bev had the suckling pig”.

One word that should be on every menu in Brisbane is qualunquismo. In a fantastic blog which lists 10 words that cannot be translated into English, qualunquismo is described thus:

Qualunquismo
Are you one of those people who really don’t care all that much about politics and issues in society? Then this word applies to you. The term came from a political party in Italy, in 1944, which promoted anti-political feelings and a mistrust of public organizations. The party was called the Fronte dell’Uomo Qualunque or “the front of the ordinary man”. Rather appropriate considering how many people obviously feel this way about politics as is evidenced by the low voter turnouts that we often see in elections.

Given the active disdain for politics amongst Brissos and the annoyance with which they respond to elections, I figure that there must be qualunquismo in our diet: or in what is described by the aforementioned waiters/waitresses as ‘tap water’.

Brissos will know at least one Brisso who kicks with the wrong boot

Brissos have a sense of entitlement, are used to getting their own way. They are committed to the idea of free enterprise (for Brissos, not foreigners). As such they hate the way their world is interfered with and regulated by low calibre duds who couldn’t cut it in the real world.

Brissos will know one Brisso who kicks with the wrong boot. Brissos will also personally know at least one politician (through old school ties) who is different and OK. The others are useless – earnest nerds or gauche self-promoters from the wrong schools or from the wrong group at the right schools.

Election day, and the hoo-ha build up to it, are a nuisance to Brissos.

Inherently conservative, Brissos are fond of the status quo, and hate the disruption of their routine on voting day, and the interruption of usual television programming, let alone the thought of change at a more profound level.
Even though they are not at all happy with the existing government – they are used to being unhappy about it and complaining bitterly.
Voting is considered a chore, rather than a privilege. Getting it out the way early can reap rewards however, with the Brisso scoring a cheap homemade fruit cake at a stall.

At Christmas time and in the holidays, male Brissos do not simply purchase seafood as they would purchase cheese or meat or bread. At other times of the year it may be fine to leave the buying of seafood up to the wife, who may purchase it at Coles or a specialist fish vendor – who knows. But for the holiday period, the male Brisso sees it as a significant duty to undertake a Homeric quest for seafood. The quest will require special travel, special equipment and financial sacrifice. The hero will have to get up at an ungodly hour with a newly purchased esky or two to undertake a difficult journey to a secret location which they know about through their contacts.

The quest will also be the subject of oral narratives, related later by the questor as mythic tales. These stories will not only have the hero, but also a helper (an ally who assists the hero in his quest to find seafood), and a villain or villains who impede the goal (eg. children needing to be transported somewhere at the same time, wife requesting gardening chores, or an interfering mother in law who wants turkey rather than seafood for Christmas lunch).

The male Brisso can only get this special seafood because of his connections. He must be in the know. He will know someone, a former barrister, who now runs a business enabling a few special people access to seafood that is straight off the boat. The boat will have been in the wildest parts of the northern territory or the gulf.

Mudcrabs, sandcrabs, bugs, prawns, oysters, barra, snapper and whiting are the usual rewards of the quest.

Barbeque is the ideal place for showing off the spoils.

Some suggest that this quest is a replacement for the activity of fishing that used to be a ritualistic part of the Brisso’s summer holidays, back in the days when Brissos had sufficient time to go fishing, and when they could still catch fish at the beach or out in a tinny. Brissos will tell you that foreigners have fished out the coastal regions, and if you comment that 99% of the people you see fishing along the coast of Australia seem to be caucasian they will tell you that they are catching nothing because boats full of Asians have already systematically emptied the coastal areas of fish.

Even the most traditional (unbroken) Brisso family will have overly complicated and exhausting arrangements at Christmas, with multiple social commitments to be juggled – Xmas eve dinner with one set of relatives (after the annual church outing ), Christmas day lunch with another (often requiring a trip to the coast), Christmas evening with another, and some elaborate BoxingDay pissup with friends or family which involves a game of cricket (the only one all year to include anyone regardless of ability).

boxing day ritual

Only Christmas morning remains sacred, with the Brisso able to enjoy a couple of hours with the pets and kids at home, opening presents.

sacred time with family pet

Once upon a time, Chrissy was special and certain things such as gifts, christmas cake/pudding, mince tarts, champagne, tantrums and irrevocable family conflicts were saved until Christmas day. Brissos despair that those days are over, and these special things are daily features through the Christmas period, in late november and all december.

brisbane rain

When it rains in Brisbane, Brissos will collapse with astonishment and bother, commenting on it constantly: “Oh my God, how’s this rain?”

They will complain and commiserate with each other as if the rain is a major weather disturbance  that only people in London, Melbourne or Canberra deserve.

brissos do not like to get wet

Despite the fact that Brisbane does have some rain every year with heavy downpours in summer, Brissos live in some denial about this, and act as if rain has no right to fall and is not a valid part of their Brisbane lifestyle.

Since the severe drought has had a major impact on Brisbane over the past couple of years, it is now unpopular to be cranky about rain. Some Brissos  have curbed their response, and after cursing the rain they quickly follow up with “But it’s great, we really need it. Let’s hope it gets in the dams though!”(return to exasperation)

It is part of the Brisso identity to feel and behave as if inexperienced and truly inconvenienced when dealing with rain. Brissos are likely to have no idea where an umbrella is and will purchase a new umbrella every time they are caught out in the rain, rather than keep an umbrella handy in the car, office and home.

One might expect Brissos’ closets or cars to have enough umbrellas to equip two hockey teams, but a natural attrition process prevents this accumulation. Brissos soon lose each new umbrella, leaving them at functions and restaurants.

Brissos will often buy an umbrella when it rains rather than keep one handy

In fact, many Brissos will consider umbrellas somewhat gay and prefer to get wet rather than use one.

Repressed umbrella

http://www.flickr.com/photos/lordkhan/69934511/in/photostream/

Only the most anal Brisso has a rain jacket suitable for wearing to work or social events. Brissos will own a high quality Gortex or similar rainproof garment for outdoor adventures (camping trips with their sons, or the Kokoda trail walk or visits to relatives in Scotland and Ireland) but these are not generally suitable for wearing to and from work.

Media event – rain in Brisbane. Brissos wear rainproof adventure jackets

Brissos believe that heavy rain is excuse enough to stay home from work or school – akin to a heavy snow storm in other countries. Female Brissos may prefer to stay home because their hair will not remain presentable for very long after the morning hair straightening regime. Male Brissos are equally concerned about their image, and while curly hair may not concern them, they do find it difficult to maintain a ‘cool’ demeanour and a relaxed walking pace while walking in a downpour. 

As Brissos don’t travel on public transport, getting wet on the way to work is not an issue. But driving in rain is an issue, and is to be avoided at all costs, because of the increased traffic and holdups. Driving in rain is also considered a major danger (even though Brissos think that driving after a few wines is fine). Brissos will send concerned text messages to loved ones : “wet roads! u b careful ”

Every time it rains heavily for more than a day in Brisbane, Brissos will be vocal about the likelihood of a flood – reminiscent of the 1974 floods that put Brisbane on the map in terms of major disasters.

brisbane in 1974 floods

They will dismiss government claims that Brisbane is unlikely to flood like that, that the dams will prevent extreme flooding. They believe this is propaganda, designed to protect the interests of riverfront property owners and developers.

Some Brissos will relive some of their childhood adventures with their children, albeit in a safer way. For example, a male Brisso may force his children to sail or go rowing in the river, but the children will be supervised and will have sunscreen, lifejackets, waterbottles. A Brisso may even ignore fire restrictions and recreate the riverside campfire for their children, but it is unlikely that they will catch, cook and eat catfish or mullet from the river as of old. The outing will generally be spoiled by mud, mozzies and sandflies, which the Brisso won’t have factored in as part of their nostalgic memories.

Every now and then Brissos will need to escape their settled domestic lives, and feel free again. They will need to connect with their ‘true’ Brisbane identity. For some Brissos this is as simple as attending a concert – Smashing Pumpkins, U2, Carole King, or BB King – depending on the Brissos’ age. For some it will be attending a reunion party organized by a Brisso.

For others, in times of personal crisis, it will take a more concerted effort to escape their family for a few hours. They will retreat to a special friend’s place where they can relax and unwind.

Female Brissos will usually retreat to the home of a sister or a close female friend. The sister/friend will be housebound, settled, with family – that’s why she is always available and has that special friend status. So the retreat is a family setting, not a bar/club as one might expect. The important thing is that the family at the retreat is not her responsibility. She is off duty, can enjoy a few drinks, talk to her confidante, and chill out for a while.

The male Brisso will usually retreat to a mate’s house/unit. The mate will be single, either permanently or recently single, and his place will be a heaven for blokes. It will have a large screen tv with cable/sports channels, almost permanently on the cable sports channels. There will be comfy couches, an excellent sound system. The mate will have a well stocked bar, or an industrial fridge with great supply of beer and wine. He will have interesting friends – male and female – dropping by regularly, providing interest and opportunities for further adventures and drinking. The mate will still be living a lifestyle similar to the one the Brisso recalls enjoying as a young person (the mate will have surfboards prominently on display), only with more money, quality drinks and better gear and gadgets. And much younger women.

It is difficult to reconcile how different the female and male Brissos’ enactments of escape are. One goes to a cosy family home, eats sensible food with the whole family, watches tv drama, sips wine and talks earnestly with her sister/girlfriend while helping the children with their homework or hobbies. The other goes to a mate’s cool bachelor pad, drinks and dances with outrageous decadent people, watches sport and or porn, until he passes out on the oversize couch.

Because Australia has had a strong and diverse wine industry, Australians of means embraced the daily practice of wine drinking well ahead of many urban elites in other countries (excluding European countries like France, Italy, Spain, which trained their citizenry from pre-school onwards to support the local wine industries).

For Brissos, most proper sit down meals other than breakfast are occasions worth opening a good bottle for.

Breakfasts with friends will be occasions for champagne.

The arrival home from work is also an occasion for opening a bottle. Male Brissos will unwind with a cold beer or two before tucking into wine.

Even in the early days, before there was variety in wines available in Queensland, Brissos were more sophisticated than their British counterparts and were into drinking wine. When Brissos had to pre-plan their drinking around strict licensing rules and limited pub hours, they always knew when to absent themselves from a beergarden, function or family dinner to get to the bottle shop in time to purchase home supplies, which will have included wine.

Some Brissos recall that they used to purchase cask wine, and will swear that some of that cask wine was ‘not too bad’. Now they have more refined tastes and know a thing or two about wine, mainly what they like….and will usually spend no less than $25 on a bottle (demonstrating their refined palates). They would only purchase cask wine as an experiment for trying at home if the family is away.

When visiting or dining out with Brissos it is the safest choice to buy a good bottle of red. Red wine is the Brissos preferred wine choice. Female and male Brissos alike get stuck into the full bodied red with gusto, no matter how hot or cold the temperature, and no matter what kind of food is being eaten. This practice may surprise Europeans who believe that particular wines are appropriate for different kinds of food. Brissos know this, but think of it as fussy or anal behaviour, like formal speech and enunciation (and the use of poncy words like ‘enunciation’).

In the past white wine was coded female and red wine was coded male. This tradition has a powerful legacy, with many young male Brissos still refusing to drink white wine, thinking of it as a girl’s drink. Counter-intuitively, many female Brissos will align themselves with the blokes and choose red wine. Perhaps they too see white wine as an effeminate choice. This blokey drinking style of some female Brissos will also be evident in their enjoyment of beer, drinking it straight from the stubbie.

When white wines are on offer – at some functions or stages of meals – Brissos will always choose a ‘dry’ white, a chardonnay or sav blanc, rather than a riesling. Riesling, no matter how superb or well thought of by wine makers, is eschewed by Brissos. Perhaps it reminds the Brisso of his/her unsophisticated early days, drinking cheap cask Moselle. In fact if a white wine is called for, an even better choice for the Brisso than a dry white, is a light red. This is an excellent compromise. A chilled light red will keep a Brisso happy on a hot night.

At most Brisso social occasions when the wine is preordered (with both white and red on the table) the white wine is last to go.

R Godfrey Rivers. Under the Jacaranda 1903.

Brissos however have mixed feelings about them. They love jacarandas and  their pride in them sometimes leads them to forget that Jacarandas are not just found in Brisbane.

At the same time, most Brissos associate Jacaranda blooms with that profound sense of dread experienced with end of year exams. No matter how many years it is since a Brisso has had end of year exams, this particular association remains strong. In fact so strong, that some Brissos may forever more associate the beauty of spring with that heady combination of anxiety and guilt typical of an exam period that comes at the very best time of year. The Qld Art Gallery shows evidence that even as early as 1903, genteel folk in Brisbane avoided their studies at this time of year and instead took tea in the garden.

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Brissos will also have unhappy memories of gardening chores associated with the incessant droppings of Jacarandas at various times of year – onto the lawn, patio and pool. When Jacarandas are not in bloom they are not so fun; they can appear scrappy, and their roots can threaten the concrete of a pool or garden path. As such Brissos prefer other people to have Jacarandas, rather than host them in their own backyard. While many Brissos will have removed Jacarandas from their own gardens, they will be fiercely protective of Jacarandas that grace Brisbane’s public parks or roadsides.

http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/news/queensland/historic-new-farm-jacarandas-face-the-chop/2008/01/30/1201369188929.html

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Scientific Name: Jacaranda Mimosifolia

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2320/1583925958_99c8d5b0cf.jpg?v=0